“I’m Commander Shepard and I did not get laid.”


Mass Effect 3 has received by far the most criticism for a video game than any other game in the world. It’s impacted the game so much, the developers re-made the ending. So seeing that it’s already taken a shit load of swings, I wanted to swing some pointers about it’s romance in relationships. It would seem that whoever came up with these concepts had a hard time incorporating how relationships  got started. Not bring an expert, I had far bigger expectations of getting laid in this game.

Continuing a relationship from Mass Effect II wasn’t the majoring disappointing factor, but  failing to answer questions right here would cause you to loose your chance with a character forever, even in the next installation.  Unless you auto saved beforehand, there is no way you could prepare. But, seriously who would go back to previous game and re-do it all over to have a romantic relationship with a character? I had no idea that a simple conversation about wrestling would be the jump-start of relationship(seriously, how am I supposed to know that Garrus would prefer a woman who wants a tiebreaker and not a woman who wants to wrestle a little? Does it not sound kinkier? Isn’t he not a hot blooded renegade with a compassion heart of gold?) So when I failed to earn his affection, it was done. I’d never get to go another round not even in Mass Effect 3! In real life you always have another chances, or at least one second chance ( some people have many). After playing ME 2 then playing ME 3 I tried to see if I could kindle something with Garrus. To my utter misery, I found out I couldn’t since I failed in ME2. (Get the f**k out of here!)

There should just be an option have a relationship with a character whenever wherever, because ya know what we’re busy saving the world! We seriously got to pay attention for that once instance that we can stick it in and if it doesn’t work it’s over? Romance shouldn’t be a major thing in ME, but for those who might take it seriously, alternative ways to express affection should be a second chance mechanism if talking fails.  Especially if you don’t know the targeted partner’s preferences. Some other ideas that could help increase affection could be if you have a character in the party often, speak to them often, ask their opinions, or in conversations you trigger options in mid sentences where you can wink or brush some dust off the partner’s shoulder. SOMETHING else to save a damned conversation that will roll the red carpet to the captain’s quarters for some nice bubbly champagne behind locked doors.

Failing to go through the necessary procedures at romancing the Turian was turning bleak, so I did what any poor defeated fool would do. Watch the romantic cut scenes of other players with Garrus on Youtube. To my even bigger disappointment, there is NO sex scene. Just a “let’s build a family” sappy Garrus.   Um,WTF?! Take that suit off and show me what a real Turian looks like! Why is it every other character has a hot steamy sexy sex scene and Garrus gets a, “Let’s just fade to black and leave it to people’s imagination.” Seriously? F**k that.

Having already beaten ME2, there is no way I’d go back and play it again. I had hope if Bioware was going to change the ending, they could change the relationship settings so I can have a second GOOD shot at Garrus. That critic never got heard. So as I fly the galaxy, I salute all you who succeeded in your sensual endeavors as “I’m Commander Shepard and I did not get laid.”

Narz is Founder and Owner of Girl Gamer, writer at Gametyrant, and Lead Video Game Columnist at Knickerbocker Ledger.

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